SIXTH INJECTION

SIXTH INJECTION

Oh, my!!!  Today is Thursday the 27th; on Monday I had my sixth injection, and Hell could be a pretty good way to describe where I am at minute.

The build up of Interferon has finally got me.  I have a chest infection, taking antibiotics, which my body does not like.  But my emotions are all over the place.  I just cannot find a stable middle ground; I am either crying my eyes out or so wound up and irritable that I am actually shaking.

I feel as if I was on drugs….. Oops…. I am!  I have said very harsh things to my beloved son, totally out of character for me.  What I hate the most is hurting the people that I love, and (selfishly) I hate it because that hurts Me, and I do not handle guilt well.

I spoke to my nurse (lovely Jane was on the phone in less than an hour) and she said that she is trying to find my blood results; something to do with me having an infection and white blood cells.  She also told me that I am describing a well recognized reaction to the Interferon, and that it usually peaks between 6 and 12 weeks.  That makes me feel better in a way and so it should pass.  But now I am in it, it has me in bits.

I have been unable to leave the house this week, too ill, too weak, too shaky, and too tired.  An hour of company is about all I can take before turning into the ugly witch of the west, or a sobering wreck.

I know I may sound negative, but today I feel this is going to be a very long and lonely road.  There, I said it, now ‘enough’ of wallowing into self pity.  ‘resentments’ take a walk!!!  I am here for the duration, fighting this little monkey of a virus till it’s lying dead on the road…….

Until this week I had been having an easy ride of it, now it’s hit me I will try to remember that it ‘can’ get better if I keep positive.  It is my choice to lie down and feel sorry for myself or to ‘ride it’ out.  I choose the later, because I ‘like’ me, I ‘love’ life, I ‘love’ my family, and there is still So so much I want to do in life.

What goes up

…What goes up…..

Well, Saturday today, five days after injection, and the world is not so rosy.

I’ve been a bit  speedy this week, ‘manic’ according to my long suffering friend, who’s probably been to scared to tell me to ‘shut up’, till I came round.  I do not know whether it was a direct side effect of tx, or a reaction to Monday’s sedation, but boy, was I going!!!

Then the come down hit me Thursday night, like a ton of bricks.  All of a sudden my batteries ran out and exhaustion set in.  And then last night my eyes got worse, so so dry and sore….  It feels as if I have been wearing contacts for too long.  I have known they were dry for a couple of weeks, but controlling it with Artificial Tears from the chemist.  Since last night they have not done the trick, and driving would be now out of the question; only comfort is to keep them closed.

Maybe I have been counting my chickens and all that.
I have also noticed that I am getting very breathless; had to walk a couple of hundred yards yesterday and could not get my breath back; when I tried to breath in I just felt I was choking and my chest was rattling.

Seeing my GP on Monday and I’ll get it checked out, maybe another infection has arrived; seem to have one a month the last two years.

Going into my sixth week on Monday.  I have decided that I must pace myself and not go at it like a bull in a china shop.  Because of my symptoms I had to stop work and leave my house and move to a ground floor flat because of all the falls I was having.  I do not know how I would be coping now had I not made these adjustments prior to starting tx.    

FIFTH INJECTION and

FIFTH INJECTION (and Endoscopy)

Whoopie!!!  Endoscopy on the same day as injection???? I was not too sure of the outcome…….

Today is Wednesday 19th, 6.30pm.  I have just got back from Manchester, my Mindfulness course.  And have to say that this week, I feel fine.  Maybe a little speedy for me, but apart from normal aches and headache, nothing new.  Totally bearable.

I met a friend for lunch before my course, and I really enjoyed it.  I drove back quite chilled, still am.

On Monday I had an endoscopy, with sedation, to see if I had any varices in my esophagus.  I was not looking forward to it, but it went well………..or so they told me…………I was  out of it…..
No side effects as warned, no dopiness, no wind, no sore throat.  I did notice that I was a little speedy the next day, but I cannot be sure whether is was the sedation or another side effect from the tx.
Every week the tx gets me in a different way, this is getting interesting….. but so far I cannot complain.

Yes, I do have constant pain, but I have learned to accept that, and when it is really bad I take time out till it subsides.  This is the fifth week, and I read somewhere that it takes this long for the drugs to build up in my system.  So, I am not counting my chickens……….. Just enjoying it while the going’s good.

Fourth injection

Fourth injection

It is now Friday the 14th of September, 6pm.  I just got back from town, after a day out with my daughters doing the girlie thing.  Had lunch, window shopped, tried clothes on, etc, and though tired it was good.  I took my time and had sit-ins in shops or wherever as needed.  But I managed to do real stuff. And I enjoyed it, and it was good because the beginning of the week it was a different story.

I had my injection on Monday and couple of hours later knew I was in for something different.  I went all quiet and not comfy.  By next morning, my body and head was just one big sore spot.  I never had migraine before, but it felt like people describe it: constant nausea and a headache so fierce I could not open my eyes…co-codamols did not touch it and neither did the 30mg of codeine paracetamols, so I decided to sit it out and leave the painkillers alone.
Went to bed and closed my eyes……………bed don’t move, please.
I funnily had stabbing pains under my armpits??? Where did that one come from?  And behind my ears???
Thursday afternoon I started to come round and slept well.

I have realized that each week may be different as far as the type of side effects I get and the intensity.

I am glad I did not blog earlier in the week (not that I could have, hehehe or see even) because it would have all been doom and gloom.
I waited for it to pass……….and it did……… that will keep me focused for the weeks ahead.

Got to watch my weight, though, as I am losing 100gs a day, and that’s eating as much as I can force self to.  If it continues I will have to bring in the heavy brigade, banana full milk shakes (hate full fat) and extra goodies.  Thanks to a friend I have discovered Rolo puddings, which have warmed me to chocolate again (had gone off it) and they are going down well.  Every cloud has a silver lining.

I keep in mind why I am taking this treatment….. My relationship with my lovely children who are now grown up friends, and the joy I feel when my silly games tickle my little grandchildren into giggles.  I want more of that, and I shall be in their lives till they themselves are grown up.

So there, you silly monkey virus!!!!!!!!!!  I am going to beat you, because I have love on my side, lots of it……….and……… you may have infected my body, but you have not infected my spirit.  

Treatment and mood

Treatment and mood

Today is Wednesday the 5th, 7pm.  I have spent yesterday night, and this morning, in tears at the drop of a hat.
I know it is the treatment because nothing has happened, nothing has changed in my life; I actually quite like my life, and I am happy with ‘me’.  At least I can see that the tx blues have hit me…However, bloody not nice while I was there.

Stomach bad as well, had bad cramp like pains all morning.  Eating something with the Ribas was the hardest thing, was tempted to give it a miss but, as I was going out I forced down a lovely slice of cardboard toast.  Yukie.

Today I dragged myself to the Manchester Buddhist Center, for the start of the Breathworks course on pain management.

Really glad I went; there were people from Birmingham and Stafford, as it is a new and rare thing.  At present gathering evidence for the NHS to make it widely available. More info on www.breathworks-mindfulness.co.uk

It works on mindfulness, staying in the moment.  Today we started body scanning, a technique to ‘scan’ or concentrate on each part of the body acknowledging the feelings and sensations but without judging it good or bad.  It was extremely relaxing and grounding.  We have to practice at home everyday with a cd they gave us.  It is going to be beneficial I think as mi mood has lifted again.  Let’s see what tomorrow brings…… no, forget that, let’s enjoy ‘now’.                    

THIRD INJECTION

THIRD INJECTION

Yesterday I had my third injection.  I was already feeling rather flaky; the tx had slowly been catching up with me, so I was not looking forward to it.  It hurt, for the first time; maybe I was a little enthusiastic in my haste.

Ahh, the cold….. I just loathe it!  It is hard to get a balance, when the soles of my feet feel as though sun burnt.  This time the head, ears and eyes ache have been the worst.  And this dammed listlessness that pins me down to the bed. This morning it took me two hours to decide to drag myself up.

Okay, I am still positive, but am starting to accept that I am not after all indestructible.  On a good note, my mood is good (tired of being tired, tired of looking tired even after 12 hours sleep, tired of looking tired even plastered in make up, but it’s small change, eh?).
I keep in mind that there are loads of other people much sicker than me, and I am lucky in that I only have me to look after, so I can do as I want.

Funny double edge sword that one……  there are times when it would be nice to have someone to cuddle up to, when my aching body cries out for the comfort of human touch.   Ha! Caught myself out…… independent little me is feeling sorry for herself.  So many loses…….. so much love gone to waste………….
Gotta remind myself that there will be time after tx to rebuild my life. Ahh, but I may need million dollar intervention to rebuild my looks.  Ahhh ‘vanity’….
Best not go down that road………… what did I say earlier about ‘mood’?  Okay, I gather I am a bit low…. I am human.  I am treatment.  It’s allowed.

Thrashed

Thrashed

Have spent the last three days totally thrashed!!!  Slowly but surely, the tx has caught up with me.
I have been so so tired.  I have found myself ‘taking time out’ while I have been out, sitting in corners at shops, wishing I was not there…
Ahh, the arrogance of the ‘I can deal with anything’…..
I have sore dry eyes; it feels as though I had my contacts in, with bits of sand in between.

My attitude, however, remains positive and I make an effort to eat little and often.  I have found that it is hard to shop, because what I used to love before I cannot stand now.  Even when I do feel hungry, once I start I cannot be bothered.

My lovely son bought me a tub of Lemon sorbet (a favorite of mine).  Was afraid of trying it.  But had some last night, two bowls of it.  Hehehe! I can see myself eating gallons of the stuff, refreshing, and gentle on the mouth.  Delish….

Tomorrow is my third injection, and already feel quite crap.  Not looking forward to it.