AND LIKE PHEONIX FROM THE ASHES..........

I first must thank everyone who gave me such wonderful responses to my previous post.

This time I'd like to add to it in the cathartic, weirdly positive effect of my attempted suicide.

Granted, the following weeks saw inmersed in a fragile and vulnerable world, but it also made face up to the reality that there were issues I had to see to and resolve if the pattern was not to be repeated.

I learned that I was loved, and needed, but also that I had to take responsibility for my own happiness and well being.

I suddenly started to see the world around me with clarity. Saw the 'crumbs' that I accepted in relationships because I did not see my worth, what I truly deserve. To those responsible for this crumbs I accepted (you know who you are),I will only thank. I needed the lesson before moving on. I allowed my light and energy to be sapped, so its okay. They can now move on to the next fool with their 'fairground boys charm' to find comfort for themselves without committing themselves. Each one of us, is responsible for our actions, and untruths are always found out in the end.

Since seeing that I had always accepted less than I deserved, and dismissing the negative, I won freedom. And the chance to join life once more despite my illness.

On the medical side, my care and treatment has been balanced and both my GP, specialist, psychiatrist and counsellors are working together. I have even now been given the chance of another tx when the new medicines are available. My old demons have gone, since my overdose left me with nowhere to hide. That gave me freedom. And without realising it, I started to move on.

On a personal level, I feel better than I had in a long time. My hepC is now a condition that I have, but just that. As JB so aptly said in his rap: 'I AM NOT MY DISEASE'.

I have just returned from two glorious weeks in Turkey with someone I had been dismissing for a long time, but now in my life. While on holiday, I completely forgot that I had hepC, I ran, and walked, and swimmed, and danced just like a woman, not an ill person. It was only on the 2nd week, on a visit to Ephesus (a dry very hot day) that I found myself searching for the shade even in broken down corinthian columns, boiling from within. I remembered then that one of my symptoms is that I do not sweat as my liver does not regulate temperature well. Oops! I forgot that bit, I thought. I survided it anyway, and the awe of visiting such a place carried me through. ( a dream of mine since university days to visit the crib of civilisation, and feel what the philosophers saw).

For all out there inmersed in the darkness of deppresion, I want them to know that, in my experience, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, and even the darkest of darkness has an end and a purpose. FAITH is the antidote to FEAR, and COURAGE is the key to open that door. The good people who answered my previous post spoke of MY COURAGE, and I was gobsmacked, me? no no, you are wrong, I am a coward I thought.

Now I know different. To feel pain, and dispair, you have to 'feel' yor feelings. To fully 'feel' takes courage, and a longing for love and life. To hide from your feelings takes a lot of energy, but not courage.

To all out there who can identify with my experience, 'hang on in there', life is beautiful, love is alive and out there waiting for us. And the world is still a beautiful place.............because WE are in it..............