NINE MONTHS ON

Tis a long long time since I last updated this blog, and a lot has gone on. The first 6 months were actually taken by fighting to get over some unpleasant sides from the tx.
I had EEGs, brain scans, scans of all sorts, you name it. I just dozed and hobbled my way through this time, getting lower and lower.
As far as I could see, not only the tx had not worked but it had left me worse than I had been before, a brainless fattie who ate and slept the way through my days, losing at times my contact with reality.
And eat I did, not only did I gain the weight lost through tx but an extra 10 kgs (twenty pounds OUCH).

To the outside world, I pretended to be doing well. It is surprising how people think you must be well because you are fatter! I learned that it was very easy to con people, just let them think what they like. It is safer to see health and happines in a growing body than look into the eyes.
What happened then was that, slowly but surely, my dispair got deeper, and somehow someone started 'ticking' the boxes in the pain overload card inside my head...............

Without previous active thought, but following one more visit to yet another neurologist, I took an overdose that should have killed a horse. Coming back to deal with the mop up operation was certainly not an option. I had finally had enough and was 'checking out' early.
Fifty five years of trying to make sense of dispair, giving love, allways sure that the good would win, so many years of forgiving, all of a sudden were too long........and empty............
Forgiving and moving on was not an option, too much damage done........too many pathways of accepting less than I deserved had tainted my perception.

It took me many weeks to get over the resentment against the poor A&E doctor who 'brought me back. It took 5 days and a lot of work on their part to undo the damage and stop organ failure. Was someone up there looking after me? Well, if they are they have a dark sense of humour. Not only did I have to still with the depression that drove me to it, but I had to face the aftermath of mopping up the damage I inflicted on the ones who love me most.
But I am here, vulnerable, afraid of people, pushing myself to do stuff, but I am here. And I intend to stay. I has not been fabulous, but day by day it has got better, and I am prepared to face the issues that I have to work on if I dont want this to become a pattern.

I was not sure whether it would be wise to share this in my blog, so I posted even less. ISOLATION is the most dangerous thing, but also the easiest.

So I decided to share it, because if there is anything I would have done different, it is to cry and shout, even sometimes, long enough for someone to see past the mask and the 'okays' I muttered.
And also maybe I, myself, in future I will not assume someone is well because of how they look on the outside, and listen, and look into their eyes.

Life is a beautiful gift, and its not ours to 'give away'. Experience keeps on showing me that I SHALL GO WHEN IT IS MY TIME, AND NOT BEFORE.
The people who love me unconditionally are back in my life and slowly getting used to the idea that its ok lo love me without fearing the pain of losing me. But I was lucky, they were hurt enough to have walked away to protect themselves and their little children.
The people who were bad for me I have sent away, they can throw their 'crumbs' at someone else.
And I am stronger than I was, and according to the latest Liver function bloods and scan, my liver is actually working quite fine and holding its own. So now I am deeply grateful to that young doctor and the 4 bags of 'mopping up' serum they pushed into me.