FOURTENTH INJECTION

FOURTENTH INJECTION

Monday again and number 15 awaits.  Bring it on; I hope it will bring a repeat performance of last week.

At last the antidepressants have started to work and I have felt better.  Maybe I have got past the 6 to 12 week horror period they talk about.  I do not care whether it is one or the other; I feel better and that is good enough. However, I am only at times sleeping for two hours a night, but my head is not racing so I try to chill.

I have also changed the way I lead my life maybe that has helped too.  I now wake up, take my painkillers, let them work, have breakfast and chill out in bed watching telly (and dozing) till I am ready to move.  Very decadent, but it has given me nicer afternoons and evenings.

Two weeks ago I thought I could not go on for the duration; now I see that feeling that bad as a ‘marker’.  Okay, I do not feel brilliant, but after the last two weeks it is like heaven. And I am trying to enjoy it, you never know if the waves will come again.

CITALOPRAM OR INTERF

CITALOPRAM OR INTERFERON?

Friday 16th of December.  I spoke to my nurse today after realizing that for the last few days I have been quite ‘out of my head’ by night time.  Just not aware of times, finding things I did not know I put there, texting people at one and two in the morning, normal texts, just not aware of the time, convinced it to be about 10pm (amazed this morning when checking back after an answer)
My nurse says it is not the Citalopram but the Interferon. Just to give the antiDs a chance to work.  I am not so sure. Why the sudden change? Not a very safe feeling to know that by nighttime I turn into a mad zombie and do stuff I am not sure of. Especially when I live on my own.  My poor cat must hide at night, no wander he sleeps all day!  After the fall I still feel off balance and out of it, my confidence has really taken a knock.  Nurse’s advice is to lay low and not do much.  At the moment I couldn’t do anything else.

OH DEAR

OH DEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just when I thought it could not get worse, last night I lost my balance and fell in the bathroom, I smashed my face on the sink.  Today I feel really low; the picture of another 9 month of tx is just so hard.  Second week on antiDs, I thought they were supposed to stop me being depressed?  Give them time, they say, I hope they hurry up because between the physical sides, and me turning into Blanche from Crossroads, I am beginning to wander what the point of it all is??????????//

Okay, okay, the fact that my face hurts and so does my body may not help.  Keep on reminding myself that ‘it will pass’.  My lovely kids are being such stars too!  They don’t even flinch when I come out with a typical Blanche statement about all and sundry.  They remind me that ‘there is’ a point to it all.

TWEELVETH AND THIRTE

TWEELVETH AND THIRTEENTH INJECTIONS

It has been so hard to update my blog these past couple of weeks.  It has all got rather strange.  One minute I go around ‘thinking’ I am okay and maybe have turned a corner, the next my life has all but ended, and I am stressing over turning into Blanche from Crossroads (if I could just tape my mouth up before I get out of bed!)

Last week was worse, spent the whole Monday at the hospital, tests and chest X-rays (lungs are clear, dear, maybe it is your smoking?  Maybe not, since my normal 20 per week have never given me a cough before and the 20 is not even 14 nowadays)  also had thyroid and viral count tests, results in five weeks, but I am not really bothered, whatever is, is!
Started the antiDs on Tuesday and spent next five days with awful sickness. All of a sudden I felt beaten, that I could not drag myself up and carry on anymore, very scary stuff. Towards the weekend the nausea lessened, but the sickly feeling after meals still remains today.
I thought the antiDs had started to kick in this week, but it was just my wishful thinking.  Woke up this morning after a horrid night feeling so down and so full of rage; I could not see why life has to continue.  I know, it does, and it passes, my children spent a big part of the day with me cheering me up (my birthday today) and I accept that life ‘has to continue’ because this tx will come to an end and, hopefully, I will return to being who I was 13 weeks ago.  Just bite your lip and ‘plod on’ girl, I tell myself!

I wander whether my depression is made worse by the fact that I see personality changes in me that I absolutely hate; I have no idea where my social skills have gone.  For instance, last Sunday I went to a dinner dance at Bolton Town Hall, by invitation only, with a councilor friend of mine.  I was sat at the top table, sitting with B. R., the head of the local Liberal Democrats and rather well known here.  I could not believe it when I heard myself commenting to another member of her party that I found her behavior arrogant and how I disliked politicians. Ouch! That cares care of future invites, methinks (I did really think it though, but usually I would have kept it to myself these days).  This anarchy side to me I thought I left at Buenos Aires University many moons ago, but oh no! the lippy angry teenager is back.  That would be fine, if I didn’t now find it so so tiring, plus I realize that it is drug induced and not really worth pursuing.
What I would really like to do is to hide myself away in a stone cottage near the sea, and let the wildness of the night wash away this despair that is starting to drown me.

ELEVENTH INJECTION

ELEVENTH INJECTION

Another week has gone by, a whole one, another jab due tonight.  It has been a funny week, I thought I was fine but realized hours later that ‘I’ was not ‘I’ at all but some drug crazed alien.

The side effects have been different, again!  The physical sides hit me two hours after jab, and I was really fluey for the first 24 hours, but not too bad after that.

I do not know whether they are subsiding on the 12 week threshold, or I am getting used to feeling lousy and accept it as normal.  Anyway, I can still function, of a fashion!

Totally lost my head, though, and I find that very disturbing.  I feel ‘under the influence’ of something most of the time and miss the old me.  Going to the hospital in a bit, my 12 week appt, and will discuss anti-depressants with my nurse; maybe it is time to give them a go.