TWEELVETH AND THIRTE
TWEELVETH AND THIRTEENTH INJECTIONS
It has been so hard to update my blog these past couple of weeks. It has all got rather strange. One minute I go around ‘thinking’ I am okay and maybe have turned a corner, the next my life has all but ended, and I am stressing over turning into Blanche from Crossroads (if I could just tape my mouth up before I get out of bed!)
Last week was worse, spent the whole Monday at the hospital, tests and chest X-rays (lungs are clear, dear, maybe it is your smoking? Maybe not, since my normal 20 per week have never given me a cough before and the 20 is not even 14 nowadays) also had thyroid and viral count tests, results in five weeks, but I am not really bothered, whatever is, is!
Started the antiDs on Tuesday and spent next five days with awful sickness. All of a sudden I felt beaten, that I could not drag myself up and carry on anymore, very scary stuff. Towards the weekend the nausea lessened, but the sickly feeling after meals still remains today.
I thought the antiDs had started to kick in this week, but it was just my wishful thinking. Woke up this morning after a horrid night feeling so down and so full of rage; I could not see why life has to continue. I know, it does, and it passes, my children spent a big part of the day with me cheering me up (my birthday today) and I accept that life ‘has to continue’ because this tx will come to an end and, hopefully, I will return to being who I was 13 weeks ago. Just bite your lip and ‘plod on’ girl, I tell myself!
I wander whether my depression is made worse by the fact that I see personality changes in me that I absolutely hate; I have no idea where my social skills have gone. For instance, last Sunday I went to a dinner dance at Bolton Town Hall, by invitation only, with a councilor friend of mine. I was sat at the top table, sitting with B. R., the head of the local Liberal Democrats and rather well known here. I could not believe it when I heard myself commenting to another member of her party that I found her behavior arrogant and how I disliked politicians. Ouch! That cares care of future invites, methinks (I did really think it though, but usually I would have kept it to myself these days). This anarchy side to me I thought I left at Buenos Aires University many moons ago, but oh no! the lippy angry teenager is back. That would be fine, if I didn’t now find it so so tiring, plus I realize that it is drug induced and not really worth pursuing.
What I would really like to do is to hide myself away in a stone cottage near the sea, and let the wildness of the night wash away this despair that is starting to drown me.
It has been so hard to update my blog these past couple of weeks. It has all got rather strange. One minute I go around ‘thinking’ I am okay and maybe have turned a corner, the next my life has all but ended, and I am stressing over turning into Blanche from Crossroads (if I could just tape my mouth up before I get out of bed!)
Last week was worse, spent the whole Monday at the hospital, tests and chest X-rays (lungs are clear, dear, maybe it is your smoking? Maybe not, since my normal 20 per week have never given me a cough before and the 20 is not even 14 nowadays) also had thyroid and viral count tests, results in five weeks, but I am not really bothered, whatever is, is!
Started the antiDs on Tuesday and spent next five days with awful sickness. All of a sudden I felt beaten, that I could not drag myself up and carry on anymore, very scary stuff. Towards the weekend the nausea lessened, but the sickly feeling after meals still remains today.
I thought the antiDs had started to kick in this week, but it was just my wishful thinking. Woke up this morning after a horrid night feeling so down and so full of rage; I could not see why life has to continue. I know, it does, and it passes, my children spent a big part of the day with me cheering me up (my birthday today) and I accept that life ‘has to continue’ because this tx will come to an end and, hopefully, I will return to being who I was 13 weeks ago. Just bite your lip and ‘plod on’ girl, I tell myself!
I wander whether my depression is made worse by the fact that I see personality changes in me that I absolutely hate; I have no idea where my social skills have gone. For instance, last Sunday I went to a dinner dance at Bolton Town Hall, by invitation only, with a councilor friend of mine. I was sat at the top table, sitting with B. R., the head of the local Liberal Democrats and rather well known here. I could not believe it when I heard myself commenting to another member of her party that I found her behavior arrogant and how I disliked politicians. Ouch! That cares care of future invites, methinks (I did really think it though, but usually I would have kept it to myself these days). This anarchy side to me I thought I left at Buenos Aires University many moons ago, but oh no! the lippy angry teenager is back. That would be fine, if I didn’t now find it so so tiring, plus I realize that it is drug induced and not really worth pursuing.
What I would really like to do is to hide myself away in a stone cottage near the sea, and let the wildness of the night wash away this despair that is starting to drown me.
posted by purpleswallow | 5:36 pm
2 Comments:
Hi Lili
Sorry to hear you are having such a struggle, I hope the a/d's begin to do their work quickly for you now they are in your system so to speak.
I understand what you describe as thinking you have turned a corner and beginning to feel well, only to find you turn another one and you are right back where you started!! It will all be worth it in the end.
Lili I am sure you will laugh at the town hall incident when you are well, it really was quite funny.
Happy belated birthday, sorry I missed it yesterday.
Many Happier Returns (and they will be)
Miss Poppy xx
Hiya, guys
thanks for your comments. I probably will laugh about it one day. Actually, secretly, I did quite enjoy speaking my mind; I gues I still have a few demos in me, hehehe
Tomorrow is another day!
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