TENTH INJECTION
TENTH INJECTION
Admitting Defeat!
Last Monday was my tenth jab. Been struggling for weeks, up and down like a yo-yo, determined, stubbornly, to ‘do it My Way’!!!
It is now Saturday, and this morning I had to face the fact that depression has set in. I have been slowly changing, retreating into my shell, not visiting the forum, feeling I had nothing to contribute; all signs of depression, but I did not want to admit it.
When I started tx I was adamant I did not want antidepressants. I had taken a long time to get where I was in my head, a nice gentle and balanced place and didn’t want to change that. Well, I now have to face that slowly but surely, Interferon has depleted my brain of serotonin and running out fast.
Time to go to the docs for a script, I think; ‘I’ am not there anymore, I feel as if I’ve gone AWOL, going from total rage to sobbing desperation at the drop of a hat; but worst of all, starting to doubt the purpose of it all.
Time to go to the docs, I think, while my logical mind still tells me that ‘there is’ a purpose for this tx, and a life after tx.
This week I also have been terribly ill, breathless and with violent coughing fits at the smallest exertion, even lying in bed hurts so I have to get up as my body hurts so much. At first I saw the weight loss as a plus but now my arms look more like muscle wastage, and ache constantly. I saw the antidepressants as failure to cope (me and my arrogant head!) But now they seem the only answer to keeping me afloat.
I know I am depressed because at the moment I feel like a wounded tigress who is unable to protect her young, but my ‘young’ are grown up; they are capable to look after themselves; the best way to be there for them is to ‘look after myself’ and get better, no brownie points for heroism. These illogical thoughts were not there before tx, and nothing has changed in my life, apart from good stuff, a new granddaughter and tomorrow the christening of my next two grandchildren, all happy stuff.
Admitting Defeat!
Last Monday was my tenth jab. Been struggling for weeks, up and down like a yo-yo, determined, stubbornly, to ‘do it My Way’!!!
It is now Saturday, and this morning I had to face the fact that depression has set in. I have been slowly changing, retreating into my shell, not visiting the forum, feeling I had nothing to contribute; all signs of depression, but I did not want to admit it.
When I started tx I was adamant I did not want antidepressants. I had taken a long time to get where I was in my head, a nice gentle and balanced place and didn’t want to change that. Well, I now have to face that slowly but surely, Interferon has depleted my brain of serotonin and running out fast.
Time to go to the docs for a script, I think; ‘I’ am not there anymore, I feel as if I’ve gone AWOL, going from total rage to sobbing desperation at the drop of a hat; but worst of all, starting to doubt the purpose of it all.
Time to go to the docs, I think, while my logical mind still tells me that ‘there is’ a purpose for this tx, and a life after tx.
This week I also have been terribly ill, breathless and with violent coughing fits at the smallest exertion, even lying in bed hurts so I have to get up as my body hurts so much. At first I saw the weight loss as a plus but now my arms look more like muscle wastage, and ache constantly. I saw the antidepressants as failure to cope (me and my arrogant head!) But now they seem the only answer to keeping me afloat.
I know I am depressed because at the moment I feel like a wounded tigress who is unable to protect her young, but my ‘young’ are grown up; they are capable to look after themselves; the best way to be there for them is to ‘look after myself’ and get better, no brownie points for heroism. These illogical thoughts were not there before tx, and nothing has changed in my life, apart from good stuff, a new granddaughter and tomorrow the christening of my next two grandchildren, all happy stuff.
posted by purpleswallow | 8:51 pm
6 Comments:
Hi Lili,
Hope you start to feel better very soon. I'm sure the doc will be able to help.
As requested baby girl born this morning (Sat) 7lb 2oz and called Ashley. A bit of a surprise as she is not due till next week. Both mum and baby doing well, and we are over the moon.
Hope you all have a special time tomorrow with the children.
Take care,
Carol
Morning Carol.
Congratulations, you proud grandparents! Ashley is a lovely name! Very glad they are doing well, and a good weight.
Well, going to get ready now, see if a bit of plaster, sorry, make-up, does the trick, hehehe!
lili
Using SSRI`s or anything else the doc gives is not defeat.
Whatever gets you through this is no reflection on you as a person - only your chemical makeup.
Some need anti d`s some don`t.
Some seem to breeze through life in general, others struggle.
Who knows the hereditary, genetic material we have all inherited.
It all combines to make us the individuals we all are.
Paul.
Cheers, Paul!
I also clicked that the 'failure' bit is in fact a sign of the D word.
Going to ring the doc tomorrow; like someone said in the forum a while back 'Why suffer when you don't have to'.
Lili
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Hi Lili,
(Will try again as i posted there after just saying Hi lili!!)
Modern technology is beyond me sometimes.
Hope the anti-d's work for you. I was reluctant to go down that road but am really glad now that i did as im not sure how i personally would have fared thru tx without doing so.
Congratulations to you (and Carol and Martin)on the new arrivals!!
Wishing you all the best Lili.
Hugs
xxx
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